NEW YORK – In an official White House statement Tuesday, former President Donald Trump formally declared himself to be “the most fabulous, tremendous president God has ever created.”
“No president, past or future, will ever come close to the magnificence that is Donald J. Trump,” the statement read in part. “My inauguration crowd was bigger than the world’s population and my genius is unparalleled in human history.”
The pronouncement comes on the heels of Trump awarding himself a Medal of Honor for “his ability to consume more diet coke and watch more cable news than any living being on planet Earth.”
According to Trump, he single-handedly resurrected the U.S. economy in 2021 and invented the COVID vaccine earlier this year. He also claimed responsibility for last week’s record-breaking Powerball jackpot.
“All other world leaders look like weak, sniveling children compared to the immaculate glow of my orange complexion,” Trump continued. “My hands are also noticeably larger and more voluptuous than any former commander-in-chief.”
Trump further noted that he was extending his presidential status “indefinitely” and would be relocating the capital to Mar-a-Lago, where he would preside over his subjects from a golden throne.
At press time, Trump was awarding himself a MacArthur “Genius Grant” for “his unparalleled ability to tweet at 3 a.m.”
Life's Adventure 